"Vader" is Ukrainian for Putin

KIEV  Secretary of State John Kerry received an urgent message from the acting Ukrainian Prime Minister today appealing for assistance in dealing with Russia's power grab.  For the time being, Kerry has ruled out use of the force.

Disney on Ice

SOCHI   Disney Corporation has filed suit against  gold medal ice dancers Meryl Davis and Charley White today charging that the skaters have infringed on characters from their movies 'Aladdin' and 'Pocahontis.'  Citing the fact that they exist in three dimensions, Davis and White have filed a motion to have the suit dismissed.

Russians Take the Sport Out of Curling

SOCHI  Pandemonium reined today at the Curling competition in Sochi when the Russians ran out of beer mid-competition.  "This is curling isn't it?" fumed Irish curler Brian O'Floozin, "why don't we try it without ice too." Canadian seeker Gordon Stoner echoed the sentiment, "Who understands the importance of drinking to curling - hell, to life - better than Russians." Security personnel at the venue promised to make sure coolers were stocked for the finals and vowed to find the culprits in the beer heist, "after we have a little nap."

Godzilla's Quest for Corvettes

BOWLING GREEN, KY   A state of emergency has been declared in Kentucky after Godzilla's search for classic sports cars led him to erupt from a giant sinkhole under the Corvette Museum.  As cars tumbled and the floor collapsed, Godzilla emerged roaring, then, "He giggled like a little girl," said museum curator Sy Berglas, "as soon as he saw the '63.  He may destroy cities, but that reptile's got good taste" The National Guard hopes to lure Godzilla to a remote area with a '74 AMC Hornet disguised as a rare 1958 Vette ragtop.  Explained the Guard's Captain Ed Spinkle, "Everyone knows those Hornets are the kiss of death."  

Taking Matters Into Their Own Hands

WASHINGTON, DC   House Speaker John Boehner today announced that the Republican congressional delegation plans to, "Retire to our offices and masturbate for the remainder of President Obama's term."  He explained his strategy, "It is literally the only thing we can agree on.  Immigration, debt ceiling, unemployment benefits - there is absolutely no consensus there.  But three years of me-time alone in our offices, everyone's on board with that."   When he was asked if this could be the last straw for their constituents, Boehner shrugged and said, "I don't think so, it's basically what we've been doing for the last 5 years."

Groundhog Picks Seahawks

(PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA)  Weather seer and Al Roker impersonator Punxsutawney Phil did double duty yesterday, predicting what everyone already knew about this winter and correctly calling the Seahawks Super Bowl blowout of the Denver Broncos.  "The Seahawks are going to roll the Broncos," said Phil, "I see a safety early, a kickoff return to open the second half and a scowl that never leaves Peyton's face.  I have no idea why you clowns only ask me about the weather, you should try holding me up in front of a March Madness Bracket."  The confident ground hog then whipped out a wad of cash and started placing his Super Bowl bets, "First I'm taking the over on the national anthem, then I'll run the table from there.  I hope to rake in enough to move to Florida; Punxsutawney sucks in the winter."

Altered State of the Union

(WASHINGTON DC)  In his State of the Union Address, President Obama embraced a legislative agenda item near and dear to Republicans in an attempt to jumpstart bipartisan cooperation. "I call on Republicans to quit stalling and just impeach me," said Obama to thunderous applause from the Republican side of the aisle. "The American people know you don't need a real reason, so just go with because I'm black or left handed or taller than all you tight-ass crackers. But it's time to show America that Republicans can actually be for something and not just against things." Speaker Boehner was somewhat restrained following the speech, "The president has some very good ideas, immigration reform and that impeachment thing both sound very promising." Harry Reid was very enthusiastic, "I believe this will work out better than the shutdown."

Are You Daft, Punk?

(LOS ANGELES) At a raucous post grammy party celebrating their win for Album of the Year, electronic duo Daft Punk took the iconic masks off and revealed their true identities: Bill Gates and Stephen Hawking. "I can't believe the media bought the 'French Pop Duo' persona for so long," said a beaming Gates. Hawking added, "Our next project, 'Black Hole Theory' will change how people think about electronic music, hip hop and the relationship of matter to time and space." Gates was quick to add, "It's not going to be available on iTunes."

Hucka-V

(LITTLE ROCK) Standing in front of a biological clock and a middle school diagram of "Lady Parts," Fox News host Mike Huckabee claimed that Obamacare has "Escalated the Democrats War on Women by giving them control of their vaginas." Huckabee explained, "Vaginas are fickle, complex, maddening and require maintenance -  a lot of maintenance. If women are permitted to maintain their own vaginas the same way, for example,  they maintain their cars, many good men will suffer." He noted that under Republicans women will be free to, "put their butts in the kitchen and their vaginas in our hands."

Pepe Le Pope

(VATICAN CITY)  The meeting between Pope Francis and French President Francois Hollande got off to a rocky start Friday when Hollande's social secretary, Pepe LePew, interjected himself between the two leaders, reportedly to stop Hollande from repeatedly asking for "just 10 minutes with the nuns - only the hot ones." The pope handled the situation deftly, whispering, "Look pal, don't you think we've both got enough scandals to deal with." Afterwards, LePew noted, "The President, he has a lot to learn about women."

Heist Solved

(NEWARK)  Today, the FBI arrested four crime figures for their part in the legendary Lufthansa Heist in 1978. Ray Liotta, Robert DeNiro, Paul Sorvino and Joe Pecsi were rounded up in predawn raids after an FBI investigation revealed that, "there was some pretty good film of these guys - it's pretty irrefutable" according to FBI agent Rip Snoot. "We don't usually come across evidence like this, academy award quality stuff," gushed Snoot, "but we're still looking for a guy named Scorsese, he seems to know everything." DeNiro's attorney, Tom Hagen, said, "If these clowns see the rest of his film catalog, Bobby's going away for a long time."

Rodman Thanks Sherman

(MALIBU) Dennis Rodman issued a statement today thanking Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman for his post-game rant Sunday. Rodman said, "Just when everyone thought I was the most abrasive, self-involved and clueless athlete on the planet, Richard Sherman stepped in and snatched that title from me. Thank you Richard, thank you." Rodman's spokesman, Bo Needles, added, "Dennis would love to sing Happy Birthday to Richard, but he's pretty sure Richard sings it to himself - in the third person."

Christie Calls on Rodman

(NEWARK) Facing a public relations disaster of biblical proportions, New Jersey governor Chris Christie has executed a prisoner exchange with North Korean dictator Kim Jung Un. Christie sent his former chief of staff, Bridget Anne Kelly, to the gulags of North Korea in exchange for international basketball ambassador Dennis Rodman, who assumed the Director of Public Relations position for the governor's office. Rodman deftly handled questions concerning the politically motivated lane closings on the George Washington Bridge during a 2 hour press conference, blaming "stupid motherfuckers" on Christie's staff and encouraging reporters to "shut your fucking pie-holes" as he defused the crisis. Christie seemed pleased with Rodman's efforts saying"Hey, that guy can still kowtow."  

Bye Bye Bieber

(LOS ANGELES) Justin Beiber made the world's Christmas dreams come true when he announced via twitter that he is retiring. Jews and Palestinians flooded the streets and embraced, the Syrian conflict all but evaporated, the US congress resigned en-masse saying, "We're sorry for letting you down and being total douchebags - you deserve better", as people worldwide realized what a post-Beiber era might mean. UN General Secretary Ban Ki-moon said, "Obviously we're ecstatic, I mean, everyone is - but the worst thing, I mean the worst thing that could happen to the entire planet is if this retirement thing is a hoax."

Dick Dynasty

Remarks by Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson where he denounced gays for their "excellent design sense, attention to hygiene, literacy and damned niceness" has left the A&E network trying to appease both critics and fans of the hit show.  A&E has reached what they feel is an acceptable compromise. They plan to air new episodes, however the name of the show will be changed to 'Dick Dynasty.'

Romney Takes Mega Millions

SAN DIEGO  Former presidential candidate Mitt Romney was informed during a round of golf at Bushwood Country Club that he had won the MegaMillions jackpot worth over $600 million. After noting, "well, that's awkward," Romney vowed to use the money to help people in the 98th, 97th and even the 96th percentile reach the 99th. Following an uncomfortable pause, Romney's golfing partner, Judge Smails, turned to him and asked, "Top notch Mitt, top notch! How about double or nothing?"

Mandela Interpreter Signs Up

(PRETORIA) The sign language interpreter at Nelson Mandela's funeral service provided his own interpretation of remarks including appearing to be trapped in a box and engaging in a mock tug of war with an unseen opponent. A spokesman for South Africa's president, Jacob Zuma said the interpreter might not have gotten the gist of the remarks but, "he made it a hell of a lot more interesting for everyone." Lefty Sweezle of the Association of Sign Language Interpreters said the government has ignored them, "as usual our complaints have fallen on…. well you know."

Roman Boneyard

Pope Francis announcement that sacred Bones would be placed on display at the vatican has been greeted with great enthusiasm by the faithful.  

US and Canada Line Up

Toronto mayor Rob Ford and Congressman Trey Radel (R- Florida) announce their newly formed trade initiative: 'Blow For the Holidays.' Ford explained the organization's goals, "We plan to set up a multi-national network to discretely provide lawmakers - who don't have a problem - with what they need to effectively represent our constituents." Echoed Radel, "Amen to that brother, amen."

Weiner Vows to Give New York, "Everything I've Got"

Former congressman Anthony Weiner has thrown his hat, a condom and a sweaty thong in the ring, announcing his candidacy for the upcoming New York Mayoral race.